Martinis are from Mars

I read an article today on how to make chocolate martinis using a bottle of vodka, Mars chocolate bars and a freezer. Forget that 3-day bartending class you snoozed through during that summer in university; martini mixing is now as easy as combining over-the-counter chocolate bars with cheap vodka, and marinating the mixture in your freezer. Hallelujah!

Well, sort of. Here's the thing: while the DIY method sounds perfect for lazy, fun-loving people like us, it does require something special. And that special something is patience. Read on for the saucy details:

1. First, make room in the bottle by dumping out some of the contents.

Did I catch you emptying the bottle by drinking its contents in the style of teenager-meets-milk-carton? Oh no you didn't! Dude, it's only Monday, find yourself a hobby. But before you waste your time with other hobbies, find a spare container and pour about 1/5 of the vodka into it. For this 750 ml bottle, that means 150 ml in an unused coffee jar. From alcomahol to caffeine. Yeah, it's all peaks and valleys around here at RTTK.

2. Use your gravitational pull to draw in all available Mars bars (about 5-6 bars).

I used 5.

3. Chop chop.

Find a knife and chop up the bars. The pieces need to be small enough to slip through the bottle neck, so mince away. Then try - just try - to refrain from gobbling the pieces. (You can do it. I believe in you.) Question: is the end of a chocolate bar called the heel?

4. Feed the bear.

Mmmm, appetizing!

That's right, you're going to feed the teensy pieces of chocolate through the bottle neck. You may feel like you're working in Frankenstein's laboratory, stuffing minced body parts into test tubes of formaldehyde, especially if you're doing this at night after watching a Romero zombie flick the night before, but worry not, you're in the comfort of your own home, so try to persevere.

Tightly cap the bottle, give it a good shake, then find a home for it in your freezer. Let the mixture marinate for 2 weeks, giving the booze ample time to break down the chocolate and caramel. Check the bottle every day, shake it and turn it over if it's lying on its side. At about the two week mark, invite a friend over for a taste test. If it's delicious, call over a few more friends. Better yet, call me!